2008
Last year at school..

Do we fill them in, like a game? - Seb on the missing elements in Chemistry

What're you doing!? Use roll-on in the morning! Spray throughout! - Bobbin when Kelsey applied roll-on deodrant

Get your hands off my woman - Jack when Kelsey grabbed his ARM

That whipped like a thousand souls being crushed! - Seb when I hit him

Plock: Write 'put your hands up'
Sammy: What, for Detroit?
Jordi: Do you love this city?

Emily: You can't fart in a bottle and smell it later!
Bobbin: You can - I've tried it!

I wish miss was made of petrol - Ben

Right I'm gonna hang myself, I've had enough - Voldemort

Webster: It's going from West to East
Kyle: WEAST!

Webster: Now the fronts have mixed.
Kyle: Mixed race.

40p? 60p? p? - Kelsey on book prices

I farted on the threshold - Seb

Seb: How now, brown cow
Jack: The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain
Seb: Denzel Washington

Dan asks Ali to staple his arm. Ali does. They high-five. - Miss Buttery (written)

Oh fucking shut up Tom, you have a ridiculous beard! - Hannah

If I didn't shave my sideburns, I would've ended up with a pube neck - Lawless

Is Miss. Buddery in here? - "Jazz"

Es wohnst.. Just up the road - Charlie's poor excuse for German

Awb: I can feel the anger and pain building up inside and it's gonna burst forth in a volley of swearing -
Jacky Backy: Testicles

Webster: What did they do with the soil heaps?
Kyle: Sold them to Japan

Kyle: No.. No.. No..
Webster: Let GO of it!!

Miss. Manning: Say you said "I worked at Tesco" -
Me: Did you?

So Rammstein's 'Reise, Reise' is 'Travel, Travel' in English? - Me

I have IBS! - Seb when I said I have SAD

I'll come back at lunch, 2050! - Seb

You fucking twat, ASK! - Seb to Jacky Backy

You're deaf cause of your long fucking hair - Seb to Jacky Backy again

I angered a dragon and it spat fire at me - Jacky Backy

They're doing cross-cunch - Jacky Backy

Je mapelle Helen Keller - Mullinz

Sir, I don't mean to depress you but the top hasn't clicked in properly and if you climb that it might collapse and you'll die - me to Voldemort

Miss, are we meant to start? - Kyle, five minutes before the end of a test

Mr. Piper: These are from the first world war
Me: Are they yours, sir?

Beyoncé, I love your new single! - Mr. Szmeinski to Kelsey

6th former: You have to learn seventy questions.. No, sixty.
Kelsey: That was some good Maths.

I think that's a bit of a tally - Kelsey

Do you remember when I sent you a photo of a guy with about fifty toes? - Seb to me

Steph's written loads - I'm gonna copy her completely! - Seb

I thought you said enBITCHment! - Gary

You look like a Brazilian football player! - Seb to Jacob

Don't throw paper at Rachel: throw bricks - Me

They have sex like dogs - Jack on PLANTS

Would you like some garlic paste? - Hannah to me

Dr. Punn: What's the pale yellow gas?
Mullinz: Bob Geldof

Kelsey: Do you actually know my real name?
Mr. Szmeinski: Yes, it's Beyoncé!!

I hope it fell down and killed someone - Rob, watching footage of a building in an earthquake

Webster: Look at the black box-
Kyle: Racist

Simon Armitage's name is actually Mr. Awbery - Jack

Go back to Hell - Jack to Rachel

Dr. Punn: Richard, I'll call your parents!
Ali: Is it to congratulate him?
Jacky Back: Congratulations - your son is a twat

If a quiz is quizzical then what is a test? - Seb

Dr. Punn: What's a positive ion called?
Kelsey: A pion.

Dr. Punn: There's loads of graffiti on that desk
Bobbin: Yeah, it says 'Bobbin's really good' on it

It's like a grow-your-own crystal kit.. Phenomenal - Richard

My armpits smell like dead men - Seb

Mrs. Mitchell: What's your name?
Lawless: Sam Lawless
Mrs. Mitchell: It suits you.
Lawless: What, Sam?

James Haimes looks like a slave - Mills

Corwin: What's wrong Gary?
Gary: Oh, just go AWAY Corwin!

I thought you said 'I have Google Maps cause I fell off a cliff'!! - Me to Mr. Man

Me: *about my camera* Don't bite it, you animal!
Seb: I'll bite your head!

Me: Nothing will cover her.
Kelsey: Did you just say nothing will love her?

Dr. Punn: Jack, stop it!
Jack: Yeah, Rachel!

I HAVE FOUR POUNDS NINETY-FIVE! - Seb

Mrs. Barr: It's like a bedsit
Caz: I hope she doesn't sit on my bed

Does anyone remember Christian Volke? - Bobbin

Miss, are you wise? - Bobbin to Dr. Punn

I'm still surrounded by the stench of Cor - Jacob

They do drive-bys on goats - Kyle on Kenya gangs

Mrs. Godfrey: How would you sort out poverty?
Me: Genocide.

Dr. Punn: Who did four grams?
Mullinz: Hamlyn.

Jacky Back: My grandad's name is Dilwin
Drew: That is TALL!

Emily: Shut up Bobbin
Bobbin: I'll swallow you.

Kyle: You can't read it
Webster: Cause you haven't done anything
Kyle: No, cause it's in Chinese

Kelsey: Shaddap
Voldemort: I wish you would

Webster: So glaciation was just knocking our door
Kyle: No, I think it was knocking the window

Another life-saving tip from Room 7! - Voldemort

You burning yourselves is just an added bonus for me - Voldemort

Voldemort: There was no one around at the start of Earth
Bobbin: Except for me

Up yours, orange! - Mullinz to Awb

*huge gasp* I thought I just saw Barrett - Bobbin

My eyebrows are disgruntled - Seb

(to the tune of 'I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing')
Because I'm from Ireland
My sister's name is Mrs. Horton
Potato famine
Is the worst thing that happened to me - Seb

(to the tune of 'Sexy Back')
I have a sexy back
I've got a tattoo of a crazy yak - Seb

(to the tune of 'Like A Virgin')
Like a Corwin - Seb

Shut up Callum, God hates you! - Mullinz

Your handwriting's diabolical! - Seb

Shouty Spanish: Put the apple away
Kyle: It's a banana

He looked like a running Coco Pop! - Ben

I bet he has a chode - Kelsey on Awb

Webster: Sophie, stop eating!
Kyle: Miss, can we eat?

Webster: I didn't move Claire so you could move up and carry on talking!
Tasha: Sorry, I thought you did.

Langley isn't in, the smelly little Jew - Lawless

Webster: You're Year 11, not age 11!
Kyle: Aw, that was well quick!

Webster: You have to draw the bar graph-
Kyle: MRS. BARR!?

You were born in like a test tube! - Tasha to Mullinz

Dr. Punn: How do you clean up acid?
Bobbin: Do you lick it?

Mrs. Hodge: If you play up-
Gary: YOU'RE FUCKIN' IN FER IT!!

Webster: Kyle, stop chewing
Kyle: I'm drinking my saliva; it's one of my five-a-day

Dom: Ugh, I've got a snotty nose!
Kyle: Let's get a bit

Miss. Rowe: Jesus died a really long time ago-
Kyle: No he didn't! I saw him in ASDA the other day!

Beak: Capacity means..
*SILENCE*
Gary: Well, that failed

Tasha: What's a black manj?
Kelsey: Blancmange, Tash

I'll wreck your life - Sammy

Webster: Over-grazing is a problem-
Kyle: Double-glazing!?

Me: Aww you look so cute!
Bobbin: We're not cute, we're dead

Ben: My middle name's on there
Gary: What, Thrombotic?

Webster: The bit around the eye of the storm-
Kyle: The eyelashes

They're brilliant - ten points! - Miss. Bell on Kelsey's flashing specs

Me: What year are you in?
Girl: Seven
Me: Tight

Dan: They're selling kids - isn't that illegal?
Dom: I'll sell you on eBay
Dan: No, I'll sell you - Kay d'you wanna buy Dom?

The Italian Blowjob - Jordi

Rob: It's cause I'm Ronald McDonald
Dom: Ronald's short for Ron Weasley
Dan: No, Ron Weasley's his brother

2009
First year at college..

Am I only attractive to Fats and Craps? - Me

Irene: I cried at the Rugrats movie-
Me: That is LOW!!

He talks like he has a pillow in his mouth! - Mo on Ron

Whenever the pitch changes, it packs up! - Peter on the projector

Me: (about rape alley) It actually smells of rape
Luke: What does rape smell of?
Me: Mike.

Nicola: What are families good for in society?
Jack: Giving me food.

CRABTREE CORPSE!! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!! - Me on a street sign

Dave: As you can see, the river is surrounded by woodland-
Me: Deciduous woodland by the looks of things.

TUP OFF!! - Frank to Callum
('Tup' means 'fuck' in Shakespeare language)

Me: Go back to sleep, Tommy
Tommy: Flying men.

It's the crab piss walk! - Lozz when Frank was edging away from us

Do you want a Polish book cause we're in England? - Kelsey

I call this Jade... MIXIN! - Me on 'Semiotic Love' by Blaqk Audio

I THINK JOHN LENNON WAS DEAD BY THIS TIME! - Hope at Lotty's 80's party

Peter: I won't tell you my hobbies - you can work them out
Me: Dogging.

Me: You could make a series! Lord Humphries Goes To The Toilet!
Jack: It's Lord Humphries' BOTTOMS UP! Teabag trade!

SHE'LL KILL US ALL!! - Matt when he realised no one had done Una's homework

Mark: As you can see, the river has wound-
Allana: Wound wound get awound, I get awound..

Peter: Jack, why are you late?
Jack: *makes wild hand motions* My car wouldn't part properly!

YOU GOT FUCKCHIMPED! - Me when Sarah threw Fuckchimp at Debby

Dave: Why doesn't water in an oxbow lake erode back into a river?
Jonti: Cause it can't be bothered.

*after breaking Lozz's eye socket*
Me: I'll mend my violent ways!
Lozz: DON'T YOU DARE!

Holly: My spit is speckled.
Jack: Ugh, you bitch!

You don't know MUSE!? - Jack to Peter

Peter: Is that chair being used?
Jack: I dunno, you'd better ask.

A black man was on my bus today - Mullinz

Doesn't she look like a tramp? - Lozz on a haggy English teacher

Ugh, my apple core's salivating on my folder! - Laura

Irene: And that's quite sexist-
Sarah: SEXIST PIGS!!

You get shy when you fancy someone too; I get shy around Ian - Me

HI MUM!! - Jack, waving a huge piece of paper in the air

Jack: I hope the woman from the Grudge comes out of the toilet and drowns you!
Me: I'll beat her up - I'll pull her long-ass hair!

Look at the shitness of the day! - Dudley watching the rain

Mutti: Wasn't Elvis addicted to perscription drugs?
Uncle Ady: Yeah, he used to drink barrels of Lemsip

Peter: What's the internet for?
*Jack and I begin to sing 'The Internet Is For Porn'*

It's Voldemort! - Me on a firework

Lozz: Crazy motherlicker
Sarah: Don't call him that - he gets funny about it
Lozz: Why cause he actually is a motherlicker?

A caramel pigeon is shitting on your head - Lozz, dying my hair

Irene: Now, look at seven down-
Sarah: It's not a fucking crossword.

I'm eating the menopause - Jack comments on his panini

Deck the halls with big fat flappers, falalalala-lalalala! Tis the season to be slappers, falalalala-lalalala! - Mutti's Christmas song; she was singing it in November

EEN HAS A JEAN PEEN!! - Sarah at Bunny

Nicola: You seem to have blended Marxism and Functionalism together
Jack: Oh.. Is that a bad cocktail?
Nicola: They're two completely different ideas.

Me: Nah, the paper's a bit thin-
Mutti: Yeah, it's shit.

LiLou: NO!!
Girl: Shut the fuck up.
LiLou: What? I'll fucking beast you!

Ainsley Harriet is not white - Mullinz

Peter: I don't want to hear about your love lives!
Me: What love life?
Poppy: The love life between you and Jack!
Me: That's not love; that's just sex

Milli: The wire's coming out of my bra-
Mullinz: Aw same.

Ron: He asks her where the handkerchief is-
Sarah: Yeah, then he tells her some BULLSHIT STORY!

Dave: The Thames used to be really dirty-
Me: Yeah, you'd look at it and die
Jonti: My fish died.

Alanna: Why does gravel need to be washed before it's sold?
Jonti: Otherwise you'd have unwashed gravel

Me: Do you remember in Awb's lesson-
Mullinz: Aw he was a Starburst.

Oscar's like the little stoner in the bin - that's me.. Y'know Big Bird was a bit of a queer, but he was like The Don; he walked out and everyone packed it in. Everyone respected him when he was chillin' there on his big orange legs - Dudley talking about Sesame Street

You'd kick someone and their whole arm would come off! - Freya on a pair of New Rocks with spikes on the front

Sarah: In Othello, every guy's name ends in o and every girl's name ends in a!
Bunny: Clown doesn't end in O.
Me: Well CLOWN is hardly his name. It's probably.. Dimitrio

Milli: Oh don't be mean to Mullinz; his face was chiselled by angels-
Mullinz: Yeah, that were blind.

I did the project by myself. I operate alone because I'm Voldemort - Me on my Geoggers project

Group of people: (singing) On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me-
Guppy: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDS!!

Me: I miss you Gary
Gary: I miss Sue Britton

Boy 1: Do you want a new phone?
Boy 2: Do you want a new face?

Jonti: I can't sit in a room where the lights are going on and off cause I have that thing where flashing lights make you have, like, seizures
Me: Epilepsy, Jonti.

Oh my God, you.... GENIUS! - Lozz on seeing a picture of Corey Taylor with no hair

Danny: Is this paper straight?
Me: You're not.

Irene: What do you call it when two people speak at the same time?
Me: Rude

Hello, city morgue! - Mike, answering Benji's phone

Wild Mullinz appears! - Mullinz glomping Mo

Me: I will now show you the forest!
Elliot: GET IN MY OVEN!!

Tony, you're not in costume. I HATE YOU! - Elliot at Benji's party, dressed as a dead Mexican

I'ma write in Hebrew; it's faster! - Jack when Peter kept flipping slides too quickly

Dave: What causes tides?
Amy: A piece of cheese!
Jonti: How long would it take to walk to the moon?

Me: D'you know what? I think Jesus was on a really bad acid trip for his whole life.. I mean he had long hair, a beard and sandals.. He must've been some sort of hippy!
Hannah: Yes, but did he wear socks with his sandals?
Amy: No, he wore tights.

Dave: In the old days, cars used to get rusty as hell-
Me: HELL IS RUSTY!?!

Dave: So the ice age was about 20,000 years ago-
Me: Good year, good year.

I want some crisps; get me some crisps, you bitch! - Jack to Holly

The literal translation is: A meal without cheese is like a beautiful woman without garlic. But that can't be right - Mullinz on his French homework

Me: *talking about a guy working in KFC* He gave us too much salt.
Mutti: How dare he asSALT us like that!

Peter: And in the Aparteid system-
Jack: Where would Michael Jackson fit in with that?

In a bit, dog shit - Jack to Lotty and I

Mark: Don't think for a minute that all LEDCs are hot.. Like on the top of the mountains in Chile-
Me: It is quite literally CHILLY!

Dave: Now remember, BC stands for Before Christ-
Me: THERE WAS NO BEFORE CHRIST!!

Mutti: I see, said the blind man
Me: That's handy, said the man with no limbs

So what? I'm still a Jew - Mullinz to the tune of 'So What?' by Pink

Killryandead: *in shutter shades* I feel like Kanye West
Me: You look like an idiot

Nicola: So they introduced something called GIST-
Jack: *to Claire* I GIST in your face

Me: Shall I key your car?
Mutti: I'll key you!

Me: That's the best A-bomb explosion I've ever drawn!
Amy: How many have you had to draw in your life!?
Me: Mudblood.

I despise the stench of Planet Nails - Lozz

I hate that fucking bastard. He needs to be shot in the face by rebel Negroes - Me making a diary of a slave in English

Irene: In the book he's described as a 'walking newspaper'
Me: Walk-in clinic

Lozz: *at a crap girl* Wannabe.. What is she?
Me: Dead.

Holly: Does your mum offer people food when they're at your house?
Jack: No, she's not Aunt fucking Bessie!

I put 'BLANCHE CRIES CAUSE SHE KNOWS SHE'S A WHORE! - Sarah on her 'Streetcar..' re-write

Sarah: What, the AQA book?
Ron: The AQA book
Sarah: Don't quote what I said!

Man: What's in your bottle?
Sarah: Coke
Man: How many lines?

Mike: I'm off
Matt: Are you off to see the wizard?
Teej: If you see him, tell him he owes me eight quid

Jack: I bet 20th century fox will make a movie about swine flu called either SWINE or FLU
Me: FLU. In big WordArt letters.. On a backdrop of London under 30 feet of water cause that's what it always is

Me: Who would you fuck?
Mullinz: Anyone blind enough

You can't spell idiotic - tit for tat, mate - Me on a guy whose username was YouHaveIdiotikIdeas

Dave: Where, with specific references, would you find a stack?
Me: How specific do you need it? Do you want RAF co-ordinates?

Dave: What's an example of hard-engineering to protect the coastline?
Jonti: The Yangtze Dam in China!
Dave: That's on a river.
Jonti: You said any example of-
Alanna: IT'S A COASTS QUIZ, JONTI!

Dave: How long does groundwater take to emerge from the rocks?
Me: Fucking ages.

Lozz: What's wrong with Tom Jones?
Me: He's orange and Welsh - that's two things

Isn't whinny a horse noise? So Winnie-the-Pooh is basically Horsenoise-the-Shit - Lozz

Me: Can I try on your sunglasses?
Nick Wiggins: No.. That's how I lose things
Me: I wouldn't steal from you, Nick Wiggins!

Me: *to Fit Roadie* Sooo.. Bit warm in here
Fit Roadie: Yep.. Just hanging out with some cymbals, me. Look at Simon. He's happy.
Me: He looks like he really wants to be here
Fit Roadie: Don't worry, he's Oriental

'Yam: TELL ALL YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS THAT AIDEN ARE COMING FOR THEM!
Me: He can come for me whenever he wants!
*Lozz and I wag our tails*

Dave: Which shops in town have the best window displays?
Amy: Woolworths
(For anyone that doesn't understand why this is funny, Woolworths closed down last year)

I couldn't give a flying fish! - Amy to Dave